The Devil is trying to take me down, and he’s using razor burn to do it.

I can hear him cackling. I can see his eyes glinting out between licks of a Hellish flame as he mutters incantations of Ingrown hair…stubble…inflammation…That will surely stop her from having too much fun.”

*cackle cackle cackle*

“It’s working…”               *cackle cackle cackle*

Come to think of it, though, the Devil should really be on my side, considering all the depraved shit my itchy pussy and I get into. God’s got the more conservative bent, I hear. Continue reading

It’s always handy to have a cock around. (Plus: fake orgasms and STDs!)

My Convenient Cock (one of my two roommates) is back, and I’m doin’ a happy-dance over here!

Some OkCupid bitch (read: interesting, attractive, girlfriend-material young woman) was stealing his attention for a while, but it looks like she’s fallen off the map a bit, and Convenient Cock is no longer trying to will a relationship into existence by abstaining from our fuck sessions. Continue reading

“Is it in yet?”

Damn. Damn, damn, damn, damn. This is a conundrum.

My first date with Fiji (read about it here) was a breath of fresh air. A hurricane of it, really. He came off as witty, liberal, kind-hearted, well rounded, kinky, intelligent, and totally confident in himself. (I failed to mention previously that he also makes a pretty ridiculous 6-figure salary. Handy.) He had me laughing, and opening up, and nodding in agreement all evening, and flirting like crazy. And his kiss was perfection.

The sex, though. God dammit. The sex was not perfection.

Okay, honey. That's great.

Okay, honey. Uh huh. That’s great.

Continue reading

Screw Loose Honey meets her match.

“You make such adorable faces when you squirm.” Fiji — what I’ll name the 6′ tall, 33-year-old, Fijian-Canadian tech executive I snagged off of OkCupid — shot an amused grin at me over our two bottles of Pinot Grigio. He had a small amount of extra padding around the middle, sported a chin-strap beard, and was dressed too casually for the place, yet I was finding him ridiculously sexy all the same. Continue reading

The best two adjectives I’ve ever been assigned in bed.

Had my second date with The Engineer last night (read about the first date here and the awkward tampon incident here). Luckily, no mention of the tampon was made. All recollection of it has floated off in the breeze. It shall never be spoken of again.

It was a simple date with a lot of conversation over beer, the show Cosmos (I told you this guy was nerdy), and Pulp Fiction, followed by a healthy round of sex. Continue reading

Craigslist, OkCupid, and ALT.com have a threesome.

Craigslist is the dude who swears he and your cousin are best buds, who gives a fake I.D. to the bouncer (but you aren’t sure whether it’s because he’s underage or a wanted felon), and then takes his shirt off and hits on girls relentlessly all night.

OkCupid is the sorority chick who just sits at the bar on her iPhone, but is constantly glancing up in the hopes of catching someone checking her out.

Meanwhile, ALT.com, the older gentleman who orchestrated the whole party, spends the night sober and mingling politely, passing out name tags, swapping business cards, and telling both the men and the women about his sexual fetish for pony play. Continue reading