How to earn yourself a Blowjob Blue Ribbon.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I take my responsibility as BJ Queen rather seriously. If I don’t treat my royal subjects properly, I will find myself reigning over an unruly populace with a bad case of blue balls.

I’ve wanted to write a post about giving good head for a while now, and last night’s encounter made for such a perfect case-in-point that I would be insane not to do so. I suppose this is an instructional piece, but I’ll lay it out for you as a play-by-play of last night.

After the roomies and I had a few glasses of wine and a hearty nerd-romp on Rock Band (I killed me some Creedence Clearwater Revival), I shot Convenient Cock a text message as we headed off toward bed, him upstairs and me downstairs.

‘You in the mood to play tonight?’ I asked.

He declined on the basis of being tired and needing sleep, but the offer must have been too tempting, because a few minutes later he amended his response: ‘Although, a blowjob sounds really great. Want a selfish lover tonight?’

One of the best things about having a non-romantic fuck buddy is the prerogative to lay your physical needs out on the table, in plain sight, not amended or coyly alluded to or sugar-coated to preserve delicate romantic feelings. Similarly, I would have been free to reply ‘Nope, not gonna cut it‘ to this BJ request. This is also one of the huge draws of the kink lifestyle, in my perspective. Not only are people free to explicitly state their desires, but it is in fact expected and almost required that they do so.

Sorry — I promised a blowjob instructional, not a reflection piece. Moving on…

I skipped my way upstairs to Convenient Cock’s room, smiling. Penis was on the brain that night. If he hadn’t said yes, I would have had my vibrator out already, hummin’ away on my horny little vajayjay. I hopped in his deliciously comfortable queen size bed, and — no time for kissing! — pulled the covers down to reveal the nice tent pitched in his boyish, checkered boxers.

Don't be embarrassed, Donald.

Don’t be embarrassed, Donald.

1) Leave a little clothing on to start. It gives you more time with which to build mounting anticipation, and it allows you to play with teasing sensations like light touch and heat. I traced wide circles on Convenient’s body, starting wide at his stomach and thighs, then honing in on his boxers, outlining his stiff cock and lightly brushing my fingers over his balls as my hand passed. After a full minute or so, I lowered my head toward him. My mouth open, I again outlined his package, this time allowing him to feel my hot breath and an occasional rub against my lip. The fly in his boxers was aligned perfectly parallel with his shaft, so I delicately licked up and down his shaft a few times, using just the tip of my tongue through the slit in the fabric. We were about 3 or 4 minutes in at this point, and Convenient was breathing heavily and was stiff as a fucking telephone pole. Time to ditch the boxers. Swoosh! and they’re off.

2) Save the best for last: avoid early contact with the frenulum. With his package now exposed, I continued in my same delicate manner, teasing his shaft and balls with my fingertips and lips but avoiding the über-sensitive head and underbelly. After working up some saliva, I began to lick long, slow trails up from the base of his cock to just short of the head, hitting the sides and top but not the underside. My tongue made circles on both of his balls, then continued up and down the shaft half a dozen more times. With my lips nice and wet, I held them slightly open and rubbed them lengthwise up and down his shaft, providing just a slightly different sensation than the tongue. At long last, I indulged him momentarily by taking one nice, wet lick all the way along the underbelly and frenulum, and finally popping the head of his cock into my mouth and wetting it with a few swirls from my tongue. A huge, breathy moan escaped his lips. Before he could settle into the new groove, though, I removed my mouth after just a couple seconds and left him aching for more.

3) Incorporate some hands-only time near the beginning. For most guys, handjobs seem to be slightly less stimulating that blowjobs. I like to mix in some manual labor, so to speak, early on in the ride, leaving room to ramp up to the mouthy fun later. Years ago, I remember a description online of someone’s preferred method of transitioning from hands to mouth. This person worked in ’rounds’ of 10 pumps each, with every round being broken up into a hands-to-mouth ratio with increasing emphasis on the mouth in each subsequent round. For example, the first round would be 10 down-and-up pumps with the hand, so the ratio would be 10:0. The second round would add one in-and-out of the mouth, which meant a ratio of 9:1. The third round would be 8:2, then 7:3, and so on until they reached 0:10, completely mouth. Now, I don’t take my plays verbatim from the same playbook, but I do tend to incorporate a generally decreasing amount of hand strokes as I continue. And you can bet that’s what I did for Convenient Cock. And you can bet he loved it.

4) Saliva! It bears repeating. Sa-li-va!!! During a blowjob, never swallow (well, not until…you know). Every ounce of your spit is precious, and any excess should be spat right onto that dick for increased slipperification. It should also go without saying that your lips should always be wet and covering your teeth.

5) Suck dem balls, girl (or boy). You are a dainty china teacup, and you’re gonna dip those fuckin’ teabags right in there, nice an’ deep-like. Convenient Cock had not been a huge fan of ball play before he met me. In fact, he wasn’t even a huge fan of blowjobs. I changed his mind. I kept stroking his penis firmly with my hand as moved my tongue over all the surface area of his balls, using as much spit as I could muster. Gently, I swirled and swirled, bathing them in my saliva. I paid attention to the seam between his two testicles, licking it back and forth and lip-nibbling the scrotal skin. I sucked on one ball gently until it popped into my mouth, and let my tongue continue to caress it. I sucked in the second ball, and then — Crunch!! — bit down hard like it was an overdone steak! …Just kidding. Be really gentle.

Dainty teacup. Think dainty teacup.

Dainty teacup. Think dainty teacup.

6) Switch things up for interest, but don’t be afraid to stick with a good groove. Different guys get all loud and happy for different moves. Try a few techniques out, but as you get further into the blowjob, just follow the loud and happy. Stick with the winning move for a solid minute or so before changing things up again —  if they can take it without cumming, that is.

(If I may make an aside: I’ve always thought the cunnilingus trick of tracing the alphabet with your tongue sounded absolutely lame. There’s a reason high school boys are the only guys who talk about it — it probably doesn’t take them long to realize it’s a shit piece of advice. Yes, variety is nice, but if your tongue doesn’t even keep a consistent motion for a full 2 seconds, there is no way I’m getting into the groove long enough to cum.)

Tara Reid in American Pie. The only woman the alphabet has ever worked on.

Tara Reid in American Pie. The only woman the alphabet trick has ever worked on.

Back to blowjobs. A few good standard moves are listed below. I usually try out several and go with whichever one makes my partner the loudest:

  • All mouth, no hands. Straight up and down. Try also cupping and geeeeently tugging on his balls.
  • Up and down with the mouth, but taking care of whatever’s unattended to at the base with a hand (moving synchronously with the mouth). This one is pretty popular. It’s Convenient Cock’s favorite. Bonus points for using your free hand on the balls.
  • Holding the head of his cock in your mouth while you pump him with a hand or two. Version A, mouth sucking hard. Version B, tongue swirling circles around the head.
  • All hand action, except for a bit of tongue pressed firmly, head-on, against the tip of his cock. You can try making your tongue pointy and pressing very slightly into his urethra, although not everyone loves this.
  • Jacking him off with a hand. Balls in mouth.
  • Take him in until he’s hitting the back of your throat. Then, for as long as you can hold your breath and not gag too badly, wiggle your head around slightly to rub the head of his cock in circles against your throat. Icing on the cake if you can move your tongue up and down while maintaining your deep position. I don’t have a great tip for suppressing the gag reflex, unfortunately. All I can tell you is that it all comes down to relaxation and mental control. Some men are into rough face-fucking, but I unfortunately do not have the gag control to tolerate that, so it’s not in my repertoire.
  • And the pièce de résistance… I still haven’t been with a guy who had interest in being fingered anally (although after my night of the surprise rimjob with Rocket Man, I’m sure he would be more than happy). If my understanding is correct, though, a lubricated finger or two on the prostate can make for a mind-blowing orgasm. I’d love to hear some techniques on that, if any readers have experience in the male nether regions (whether fingering or rimming — I have close to no experience with these).

7) Love it. Enjoy it. Embrace it with enthusiasm. Seriously.

When I settled on technique #2 for Convenient Cock, I incrementally increased in speed and pressure until I heard the happy little warning bells: rapid breath and a half-moaned “I — I’m — I’mgonnacum!” Semen isn’t exactly a delicacy in my book, but I swallow anyway, simply because every man I’ve been with loves a good swallow. So it went down the hatch, and I smiled as I wiped my mouth with the back of one hand and continued stroking his penis with the other, making sure not to over-stimulate the sensitive head.

“Wow…wow,” Convenient breathed, eyes wide and blinking at the ceiling in shock. “God… I’ve never really done that before.

“What do you mean?” I asked, still petting his slobbery wet cock.

“I’ve never…I’ve never had an orgasm from a blowjob before. I mean, they’re nice, but I always have to switch to sex…Wow.”

What??!

I knew he wasn’t a die-hard fan of getting oral, but I hadn’t known he’d never cum from head before. That makes two cracked cases now: I had a college boyfriend who had never cum orally before me, either. I’ve long been applauded for my oral skills (something I can’t necessarily say about any other of my sex skills), including my favorite compliment, from Fiji, that I give ‘porn star head.’ But guiding a blind man to the light feels even better. Don’t forget that Convenient Cock has 10 years on me — that’s 34 years that he has spent deprived of oral orgasms.

My heart swelled with pride.I am FUCKING AWESOME,’ I thought to myself, my ego swelling cheerfully. ‘I am a goddamn gift to society. I deserve a blue ribbon and a knighting ceremony of some sort.”

This. This is how proud I was.

This. This is how proud I was.

Convenient Cock let out one last satisfied, extended breath. “You popped my BJ orgasm cherry, I guess,” he said.

“Well, now we’re even,” I responded, “since you popped my anal sex cherry.”

Happily, we both slumped down in bed. I was tired, but I wanted climax too, so I told Convenient I was going to have some ‘special time’ before falling asleep. He chuckled and put his hand on my thigh as I masturbated in the dark, retreating to my fucked-up, ethically unsound, power-exchange age-play fantasies. As per usual.

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17 comments on “How to earn yourself a Blowjob Blue Ribbon.

  1. Jane says:

    Love, love this post. The few men I’ve tried it with have really enjoyed themselves, but there’s definitely room for improvement. I blame you for the quizzical looks I’m going to get when I start muttering, “Hmmm, 3B appears to be more successful than 5.”

  2. Yingtai says:

    I am bookmarking the hell out of this post. Everything I wanted to know. I bow at your feet, Sensei. I mean, Your Blue-Ribboned and Gifted Majesty. You deserve more words but I am inadequate. WOW.

    • Ahh, thank you, my dear. And thanks for Tweeting me!! Now go forth and use those lips and tongue wisely.

      • Yingtai says:

        First I have to find me some opportunities … you’re better at that part!

        Here is the tweet, for everyone’s entertainment:

        I mourn for my decorum. But I must memorise “How to earn yourself a Blowjob Blue Ribbon” https://screwloosehoney.wordpress.com/2014/07/25/how-to-earn-yourself-a-blowjob-blue-ribbon/

        And now that I’m a little less speechless, your student has a question! Would you adapt your technique in a submissive context? E.g. I tend not to assume I have permission to touch anything, so I’m not sure what to do under step 1.

        • That is a really, REALLY good question. I wish I had more to offer it that regard :/ The only times I’ve sucked cock as a submissive, it’s been in my face and all I could do was use my mouth right away.

          I’d think it depends on specific the D/s dynamic. In some contexts, maybe the sub is just waiting for the instruction to perform oral sex, and the rest is up to them (in which case you could do the whole shabang — if your Dom is okay with the “teasing” part being less about control and more about their pleasure). In other contexts, maybe they have to follow specific instructions for each and every move. And especially if their hands are tied, that limits them to the mouth.

          I’d think a few things carry over regardless:

          1) Saliva! It just feels so much better. Even if you’re just giving a handjob, use spit.
          2) Enthusiasm — although this would be expressed differently depending on your D/s dynamic.
          3) To the extent that you aren’t hampered by instructions or bondage, try out various motions and stick in a groove after a while, increasing in intensity/speed toward the end.

  3. Enthusiasm is probably the most needed part of giving head; if you look bored or disinterested, the man gets soft and no one likes that. I find oral the most interesting thing about sex. Besides the “O” face. That’s also interesting and sometimes funny. The noises men make….sheesh.

  4. Great post. I’m going to have to save this and reread it every night until I remember it all! I enjoy giving head, but i know I’m not the best at it. I do a lot of these things, but don’t give much thought to increasing intensity. Thats a great way to drive them crazy!

    • Awesome!

      Yeah, I find that the tips for pleasing women emphasize anticipation more than the tips for pleasing men. While it may be true that we physiologically respond better to it (and frankly I’m not sure if it is true), it shouldn’t mean that we should throw it out the window for men! I’ve found they respond well 🙂

  5. Love this bit: “I sucked in the second ball, and then – Crunch!! – bit down hard like it was an overdone steak!”
    I’ve been contacted by a few pain freaks recently who’d genuinely be mad for a woman willing to do that to ’em!
    Diff’rent strokes etc…!

  6. karida says:

    It is very appropriate that you called it a “blue ribbon” for blow jobs, because in the BDSM culture what you have earned is a light blue hanky. Based on the old hanky code that was used to let a person know what you were into and if you liked to receive or give, you can flag Light Blue worn on the right 🙂

    On any given night in NYC you can see people flagging by wearing what they are into by placing one or more hankies in their rear pocket. It doesn’t have to be in their rear pocket, but that is the traditional way. Other ways are wearing it wrappers around your upper arm or sometimes a person will wrap it around their head if they like to give and receive. Or… when you are ready get your turn, just go ahead and put your light blue hanky in your right pocket and see if convenient cock is ready and willing to return the favor 🙂

    • Eh, I never knew that! I really haven’t had any involvement in the actual kink community (although I did just get an invite to something, which I’ll blog about!). It’s interesting to hear about the history of the culture. Do you know of a site or a book that discusses the history of kink culture?

      • karida says:

        There are quite a few. One I like a lot is called Urban Aboriginals by Geoff Mains. Other good ones are The Leatherman’s handbook, by Larry Townsend, and Leathersex by Joseph Bean

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