It’s always handy to have a cock around. (Plus: fake orgasms and STDs!)

My Convenient Cock (one of my two roommates) is back, and I’m doin’ a happy-dance over here!

Some OkCupid bitch (read: interesting, attractive, girlfriend-material young woman) was stealing his attention for a while, but it looks like she’s fallen off the map a bit, and Convenient Cock is no longer trying to will a relationship into existence by abstaining from our fuck sessions.

I’m going to go ahead and tell myself that the slight resentment I had against her was not jealousy, but rather simple bitterness at having something fun taken away from me . And I don’t think I’m way off the mark. I think I’ve earned an A, perhaps even an A+, for the rather large amount of finesse and honesty it takes to sustain a healthy, drama free, 9-month-long fuck buddy relationship. With a roommate. Despite breaking at least half of the Fuck Buddy 10 Commandments, things have been swell.

So, it’s basically an A+ at being cold and void of emotion. Congrats to me! (An aside: I will point out that I am fully able to include emotions when I so choose. I went on a great date two nights ago that left me giddy and feverish with the crush bug. That’s a story for a different post, though.)

We were both bored last night and went out on a mini pub crawl together. He told me OkCupid Bitch had stopped hanging out with him so, at the end of the night, I asked, “So…are you too tired or too [OkCupid Bitch]’d out for sex tonight?”

He stifled a smile. “Sex would be awesome, yeah.”

I hopped off my chair and headed promptly to the bathroom to shave my vag and wash up for bed. “Alrighty, meet you upstairs in a few!” I chirped.

Transaction complete. Cold, emotion-free GOLD, my friends.

We fell into our routine pretty easily. As soon as I hopped into his bed, he started rubbing my clitoris just like old times. He’s alright at it, but eventually I asked him to put his fingers inside me while I rubbed myself. I then gave him some of my world-renowned porn star head (“I forgot how perfect your cock is,” I couldn’t resist telling him) before he grabbed me and pulled me up for some doggy-style.

Here’s the only thing: I’ve got to fess up to some sex no-nos. Two, to be specific.

1) I need to stop faking orgasms. I am fully aware that it doesn’t get me anywhere, and it doesn’t help my partners learn how to please me. And if they realize I’m faking (I’m pretty fucking good at it, though), it’s I’m sure quite off putting to them.

Yes, I'm better at it than you, Meg. But that's not saying much.

Yes, I’m better at it than you, Meg. But that’s not saying much, now is it?

The reason I find myself doing it is, I believe, that I lack the will or the way to talk honestly about my pleasure with my partner. I’m all about the talk when it’s good, but I find it difficult to say, essentially, “this isn’t working.” Especially when I don’t have a great plan for what would get me off at that moment — which I don’t always.

How many does it take to say, "It's called a clitoris and it seems not to be functioning at the moment"?

How many does it take to say, “It’s called a clitoris and it seems to be malfunctioning at the moment”?

I wish it were easier to climax, but sometimes I feel put on the spot during sex — and I’m not just talking PIV here, but even when I’m just touching myself in bed with them. I don’t have the luxury that I do when I’m masturbating alone: going at it for 10 or 20 minutes, shuffling around in position till I get it just right (inevitably the position that works always gives me an epic double chin and tummy rolls), my brow furrowed in ugly concentration the whole time. So there you go. It all boils down to insecurity.

Does anyone reading ever fake orgasms? Have you gotten caught in the lie before?

2) I really need to use condoms. Convenient Cock and I have almost always done it raw because he’d been tested. Part of our agreement, naturally, is to tell the other person if we have unprotected sex with anyone else. Last night I had to admit to him that I’d gone unprotected with two other guys since we last slept together (The Engineer and Fiji). And, yes, they both told me they had been tested recently, but I can’t just rely on that all the time. I’m screwing the pooch here, I know. (And I’ll have to tell the pooch to visit his local health provider.)

If you want to have some fun, do a Google search for "vintage V.D. posters."

If you want to have some fun, do a Google search for “vintage V.D. posters.”

I can hear my middle school Sex Ed teacher tsk-tsking at me. I hang my head shamefully. Sorry I let you down, Mrs. Crawford.

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15 comments on “It’s always handy to have a cock around. (Plus: fake orgasms and STDs!)

  1. thenarcissistwrites says:

    Condoms are definitely a necessity. On the orgasm front though… I fake them if I have to, if the guy is like “please come for me” or whatever. But I don’t really care if I have an orgasm or not during sex… There’s a lot more to it for me.

    • Argh, I HATE hearing that. “Come for me, baby! Come for me!” And I’m sitting there thinking ‘Ummmm…I’d love to oblige, but what gave you the impression that I was even close to that point?’

      I completely agree re the orgasm itself being somewhat of a moot point. I’ve had stellar sex without and crap sex with. If I had to choose, though….I’d take the good sex plus the orgasm 😉

  2. A. I want a 9 month log fuck buddy relationship. Where do I find long term buddies?
    B. I fake all the time with certain people. Other people I’m just like, nah man….nah. Catherine is just getting warmed up and you came. Ass hat. I also get the weird double chin thing…but I’m also fluffy.
    C. I will stop using condoms if we’re both exclusive. However, with me, that’s like…hard. I don’t trust people anymore and I carry condoms in a cute container. Yeah, there will be a post over my first experience buying condoms. That was…interesting. looked like I was going to throw a sex orgy.

    • A. Welp, I found the house/roommates on Craigslist, so I think you’re already queen of that realm!
      B. Yeah, I think I fake more with some people than others based on comfort level, probability that they’re gonna get me off, how invested I feel, etc. I love that your vajay-jay has a name. I should christen mine.
      C. I should totally follow your lead on the condom front. I’m bad.

  3. Yingtai says:

    Good Lord, Honey, you make me feel like a Mormon. But if it works for you, great!

    I don’t think I know how to lie to a dominant partner. On the other hand, I haven’t mentioned the lack of arousal in both of those scenes I’ve described on my blog. It just seemed really complicated to explain, and it’s not the rule with me – arousal was not a problem when scening within a relationship – and the parties concerned have certainly been informed – and too many ands is clearly me getting defensive. Yes, it’s hard to admit. I’ll probably only write about it when I finally get over it. Which is not what I would recommend to anyone else. Oops.

    • Yeah, there’s definitely some overlap, although faking an orgasm is much more “lie-y” of a lie than just withholding comment about your arousal level :/ I hope you’re not feeling too bad about your body’s response to those scenes.

      I don’t think I could fake for most dominant partners, though. I remember being nervous a few months ago with A. that my body wasn’t going to respond predictably in bed, but I could never have faked it for him. He showed such control over my body, and he was such a keen observer, that I don’t think it would have flown! Even if it did, I would have felt very strange lying to him, almost like it would upset our D/s balance because I’d be taking back control of my body.

  4. lawwpie says:

    The rule I like to live by for faking it is: no. If he doesn’t make me cum, he doesn’t get the satisfaction of feeling like he did. That said, I still fake it. Sometimes, because I’m not enjoying myself, I know I’m not going to, and I know that the guy is a cute little try-hard that’s going to keep going and going until I do, and the thought of potentially endless bad sex is enough to have me breaking every rule under the sun.

    Additionally, as you yourself pointed out, you can have good sex without an orgasm. You can also have bad sex without an orgasm … I don’t think I’ve ever been lucky (is that the word I want ?) enough to have bad sex AND an orgasm, it’s apparently too much of a juxtaposition in my world.

    • Hahah…yes, we have rules and then we have “rules.” I’m right there with ya.

      An orgasm with bad sex is like a booby prize, but it’s better than no prize I suppose (except for the fact that it might reassure the guy that the sex was good…which we don’t want to reinforce, now do we?). In this context, I mean “bad” sex as in boring, short, unimaginative. So although it might be not a big, long, fun ride, maybe I get a good angle in at the end or touch myself real quick, and get in an O.

  5. Yingtai says:

    Huh. Is Girl on the Net reading your blog?

    ON WHY FAKING ORGASMS ISN’T THE END OF THE WORLD

    This is reminding me that in the twilight of my marriage, arousal was indeed a problem, and I started asking permission to pretend sometimes. And I always got it, because often the pretence actually worked. But then we realised that sometimes I just couldn’t pretend, which raises the question of whether I was pretending in the first place.

  6. karida says:

    Faking orgasms is a peev of mine. Please for the love of all that is holy…. Women, stop faking orgasms! Mainly just because it makes men think that whatever he was doing that made you “meow like a kitten”, was a certifiable 10.0 Olympic Sex move! And clearly it was NOT lol… Please DO help men find or clitoris, g-spots, and any other erogenous zone that makes you feel good. Please DO help men understand we can enjoy sex without having an orgasm every time. Please DO encourage exploration of our bodies.

    So, faking an orgasm may not be the end of the world, but I don’t personally encourage it.
    That’s all I’m saying 🙂

    • It is true, so true!! I really should quit.

      When I do it, I’m not typically frustrated with my partner’s <10.0 skills, I'm more frustrated because what they're doing feels so good, yet I somehow can't let my mind go enough to climax. Ya know?

      But either way, we should be honest about what's happening.

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