“You make such adorable faces when you squirm.” Fiji — what I’ll name the 6′ tall, 33-year-old, Fijian-Canadian tech executive I snagged off of OkCupid — shot an amused grin at me over our two bottles of Pinot Grigio. He had a small amount of extra padding around the middle, sported a chin-strap beard, and was dressed too casually for the place, yet I was finding him ridiculously sexy all the same.
I fake-pouted, the bratty little kid that I am. “I never squirm,” I lied, and glanced at the folks dining just next to us. After I’d declined his half-joked offer to go back to his place after happy hour, Fiji had poked some fun at my personal first date ‘rules.’ Rules which I do not have, thank you very much. “I don’t date with rules,” I said. ‘In fact, I fucked my last OkCupid date after a couple hours. In all three holes,’ I didn’t say.
I am not accustomed to a guy speaking as candidly about sex as Fiji did. Especially on a first date, and especially when our tiny happy hour table was sandwiched so closely between two others than I could have reached out and had a sip of my neighbor’s wine without hardly extending my arm. And I am certainly not used to being called out as the conservative one of the pair. Conservative? Excuse me? I take offense at that term.
But it intrigued the hell out of me.
This was the (rain-checked) first date I mentioned in an earlier post, with the guy who described himself as a tantrika and who has a FetLife account. I was definitely looking forward to picking this man’s brain, especially after reading his answers to the more kink-related questions on OkCupid. A few representative selections (close to verbatim):
Q: Are you open to trying new things in bed?
A: Yes, I’ll try anything once. If you are looking to maintain long-term health in a relationship, you need to spice it up. Routine is a romance killer.
Q: Would you consider being in a sexual relationship with the exclusive role of Master/slave?
A: Yes, as Master.
Q: Would you consider being in a polyamorous relationship?
A: Yes. I actually did this for multiple years and we lived together. But I also have plenty of experience with monogamy. I can roll with a variety of relationship dynamics.
Q: Have you ever owned a sex toy?
A: Yes. Paddles, floggers, crops, blindfolds, restraints, rope… I’ll just stop there.
…I think I have been bested at my own game, my friends. And to my delight he was absolutely no different, no more censored, and no less kinky than he portrayed himself to be online. Uninhibited is the adjective I’d choose for him. My impression of online dating has been that the demographic is slightly weighted toward shy and socially awkward, which would make logical sense when considering the normal social steps it allows its users to skip over. Of the 10 or so guys that I have been out with from the site, Fiji has been far and away the most forward. And I love it. He carried the conversation with wit and charm (despite my squirming upon being caught off guard by frank sexual questions and innuendos).
I crafted my own online profile to allude to some kinkiness, and it (ideally) should scare away the most strident vanilla of the vanilla, making my job that much easier. I did not feel comfortable, though, neither online nor in person, revealing immense amount of detail on the subject. However, during our date I was able to at least communicate to Fiji that sexuality is very important to me, and that one of the things that attracted me to his profile was his obvious sex-positivity and kink-positivity. Although it may seem counter intuitive, he is actually also very sweet and very relationship-minded. He doesn’t even engage in casual sex (not that I take issue with casual sex, mind you). Case in point:
Q: Do you remember the names of all the people you have ever made out with?
If I am to begin any sort of relationship, I need open and unabashed communication about sex (and about all other topics, really). I need someone who can match my dry humor and loud opinions, give me shit when shit is due, but also offer a genuine compliment without caveat. I need a man who is honest to a fault. I need someone comfortable with his body, his career, and his values.
Fiji showed me promise in these categories and more, all within a few hours. He was less fit and classically handsome than The Engineer and many men I’ve been out with, but it didn’t fucking matter. I liked him.
Oh, and he gives lovely, delicious good-bye kisses.