Again, I’ll let some thoughts from A. start us out:
A true D/s relationship offers an emotional depth and intimacy far beyond any kind of role play, and much deeper than even vanilla relationships. It’s about tapping into deep and true feelings and not “playing” a part. That also means it’s hugely rewarding when it works.
I must admit, I sometimes am skeptical about the complete mental surrender that many subs display: constant need to please him/her, doing even non-sexual tasks just to make him/her happy, treating him/her with total reverence even in writing. It’s not at all that I doubt their sincerity, just that it seems strange to me. A level of subservience that I could never see myself reaching.
I loved all the BDSM role playing I’ve done, but it never went deeper than that. After some sexy-time, we would break character and return to being like friends who flirt with each other. I didn’t understand why anything beyond that would be pleasurable.
Another thing I have had great skepticism about was the legitimacy on online relationships. You know those poor folks on the Catfish TV show who wax poetic about their deep bond with and burning love for a person whom they have never met in person? I always watch incredulously, thinking how ridiculous it sounds to feel bonded with someone you’ve never seen. I just don’t get it.
But today I am here to say, put concisely…
Today I got my first little twinge of feeling controlled mentally. And let’s reiterate: I have only been in touch with A. for 5 short days now, via email and text, with two phone calls today. We have not officially taken on the titles of each other’s Dom and sub.
But somehow, I am obsessing. He is inside my head.
I kind of thought I was “above” that sort of manipulation (Is there a synonym for manipulation without the negative connotation? I don’t really mean it as a bad thing.). I’m not a stupid girl. My world is one of staunch logic and reason. I do let emotion enter my life, but not past the point where it conflates sex with devotion, with friendship, with trust. How could I be so impressionable this quickly?
But A. is experienced at being a Dom, and I am discovering that he knows the right things to say to work his way inside my (perhaps not so staunchly logical) head. I don’t have too much to compare him to, but his approach is surprisingly calm, understanding, and supportive. He hasn’t once brought up the word ‘punishment.’
A. has been having me practice orgasm control with edging for 10 minutes, three times a day (While I’m on the hunt for synonyms, is there another word to use for ‘edging’? For whatever reason, I find it icky.). Today I just so happened to receive a new vibrator that I ordered several weeks ago, and used it for one of my sessions. Hooooly fuck. This is good stuff.
I played around with that, then added my old toy up my ass, then tried rubbing my clit with both holes filled… That was heaven. Well, it was heaven until I had to back off the edge. That was agonizing. I got carried away and, in spite of the agony, I couldn’t get myself to quit for 35 minutes. Probably had to back off from climax a good 20 times or so.
Spoiler alert: I failed at my task. I was a little ways in and felt yet another climax coming up on me. So I continued, felt the pleasure mounting, saw the edge of the cliff and — AHHH! I started to stumble off of it! It took immense effort to quash the orgasm. I thought I had been successful, but I looked down and could see the contractions happening.
It was like trying to avoid sneezing, failing at it, but containing the sneeze at the last second into one of those awkward snorts. Ruined orgasms aren’t all that satisfying, are they?
Since he asked me to report back after every edge session, I told him about my failure and apologized.
I’m okay with the slip-up, but now that you know what it feels like to slip over, please be more diligent next time so it doesn’t happen again. I understand it’s hard, so I’m not upset if you’re doing your best. Accidents do happen.
His response did not catch me off guard, but my visceral reaction to it did. As I was reading the words ‘please be more diligent,’ I felt the same drop in my gut that I’d feel if a professor told me my essay wasn’t up to par, or if one of my parents caught me in a shameful lie and sighed with disappointment. I don’t know why A.’s words affected me so much — this orgasm slip-up is really not a big deal, and I am really not invested in this man yet. We’re still at the fun ‘n games stage, right?
Did anyone reading this blog have similarly confusing emotions when starting a new D/s relationship? This is a very new feeling for me.
In the spirit of complete transparency, I told A. about this reaction I’d felt. He didn’t seem surprised by it. Orgasm control is his favorite thing to begin a new sub with, he says, because it tells him a lot about the person, and it jump-starts the D/s bond in a way that few other activities can. …Well, he’s certainly appears to be right about that.
These last 5 days haven’t been just a jump-start, they’ve been a fucking rocket launch.